Aperture Science Mug
"Welcome to Aperture Laboratories, A Trusted Friend in Science! One of the many perks of working here is that Aperture provides all the human fuel you can drink. Human fuel, or ""coffee"" as it is often called, is available in break rooms throughout the lab. A quality human fuel receptacle can be acquired through the monkeys at ThinkGeek. Please do not use your Aperture Science Mug outside of designated areas, and please do not utilize your Aperture Science Mugs to ingest unsafe liquids or neurotoxins. Maybe you'll find someone else to give you coffee... maybe Black Mesa? (That was a joke, ha ha, FAT CHANCE!) Anyway, this coffee is great, so delicious and hot. But look at me still talking when there's science to do..."
Portal 2 Mantis Men
Officially-licensed Portal gear! Those of you who volunteered to be injected with praying mantis DNA, I've got some good news and some bad news. The bad news is we're postponing those tests indefinitely. The good news is we've got a much better test for you: fighting an army of Mantis Men. Pick up a rifle and follow the yellow line. You'll know when the test starts.- Cave Johnson We think of every day as an adventure here at Aperture Laboratories, and you're about to embark on a great big adventure -- for science! And $60 cash. That's more than you can make giving blood, and after our testing you won't have to ever give blood again! And by "have to" we mean "be able to." All sorts of complications with the gasoline and peanut water thing that we don't want to get into right now. But hey. Did we mention $60 cash? Commemorate your time spent as a Aperture Science test subject with this lovely shirt featuring your fellow test subjects, the mantis men army. This blue dusk, 100% cotton shirt exhorts onlookers to "Do your part... for science!" and features the 1940s style Aperture Science Innovators logo small on the back.
Portal 2 Aperture iPad Sleeve
If you have an iPad and work for Aperture Laboratories, there's something Cave Johnson needs you to pick up, stat. Of course, Cave isn't with us anymore, but if he were, he'd demand that all of his current testing subjects carry their iPads in the new Portal 2 Aperture Laboratories iPad Sleeve. You see, since Aperture owns the iPad and you have to return it after testing (or in the event of your unfortunate demise), protecting it from damage is a must. The thought of our personal iPads getting damaged or destroyed is enough to send shivers down our spines. There's just so much on our devices that we love and NEED; we'd hate to lose them to a mishap. This iPad Sleeve fits both the iPad and iPad 2 and is bright orange to match Chell's jumpsuit. It features black and white details, including the Aperture Laboratories logo and has a rubberized grommet to feed your headphone cord through so you can listen to your favorite tunes while pondering how you're going to get through your next test. Product Specifications Aperture Science iPad Sleeve for fans of Portal 2 Designed for the iPad 2 but will fit original iPad Orange material matches Chell's jumpsuit Black & white details, including the Aperture Science logo Rubberized grommet allows you to feed your headphone cord through and listen to music while on the go Small outside pocket for storing your testing orders and a pencil Aperture Laboratories logo printed on the zipper pull Inside is lined to protect your iPad from scratches Officially licensed Portal 2 product
Portal 2 Aperture Laboratories Shower Curtain
"The curtain has so many uses in the home. We like to pride ourselves on our shower curtain for the modern bathroom. It's fast, too -- the whole business takes less than a minute. See it demonstrated at your local Woolworth Store! Before Aperture Science became a worldwide leader in Science, they were a worldwide leader in shower curtains. In fact, the majority of Cave Johnson's wealth was amassed thanks to contracts with the U.S. military to provide shower curtains to military bases (except the Navy). In fact, it was the Navy that was the purported downfall of Cave Johnson. Rumor has it, Cave was exposed to high levels of mercury while developing deadly shower curtains for the House Naval Appropriations committee. This shower curtain, while emblazoned with the Aperture Science logo, probably doesn't contain mercury or radiation. Not if you’re in the control group at least. (Pssst, you're in the control group.) Product Specifications Officially licensed and approved by Valve! Get squeaky clean behind this Aperture Labs shower curtain White vinyl(EVA) shower curtain with black Aperture Labs logo Features the aperture logo and text letting you know that it ""Contains less than 1% mercury"" Most likely not radioactive (but wear your lead underwear anyway) Officially licensed Portal collectible Dimensions: 6' x 6'"
Portal 2 Aperture Water Bottles
"Knowing Cave Johnson, the water supply at Aperture Labs was most likely always tampered with in some way. Maybe one month he would test extra fluoride to see if the employees got fewer cavities. Then the next he'd try some chemical that promised to grow a more fetching beard. (And if you were lucky, he only had the lab boys rig up the one in the men's locker room to do that.) That Cave left no Science stone unturned, so water was probably no exception. Luckily for you, your water supply probably doesn't contain Mantis Men antibodies. But you can still drink like a testing candidate by using these Portal 2 water bottles. The 1970s bottle is glass with a metal lid and features the 1970s Aperture Science logo. If you failed the butterfingers test, perhaps plastic is more your speed; get your Science on with the 1980s bottle, made of BPA-free hard plastic. Stay hydrated, future Mantis Men and Ladies! Product Specifications Two water bottles for fans of Portal 2 It's important to stay hydrated while testing Officially licensed Portal 2 collectibles 70s bottle: Features 1970s Aperture Science logo Made of glass with a metal lid Designed for cold beverages Not suitable for microwave, cooking, or freezing Dishwasher safe (hand wash lid) BPA-free (cuz hey, it's glass) 9"" tall, holds 18 ounces 80s bottle: Features 1980s Aperture Science logo Made of BPA-free plastic Designed for cold beverages Not suitable for microwave, cooking, or freezing Love your bottle: hand wash only 10.25"" tall, holds 32 ounces"
Aperture Logo (1940s) Babydoll
"Officially-licensed Portal 2 gear! Aperture Science Innovators - bringing science into your home. Our scientific trifecta of salt, asbestos, and curtain keeps us on the cutting edge of technology and we're dedicated to bringing that technology to you every single day. Salt. It brings interest to a dull meal. A couple pinches of salt taken nightly enables you to ""slim while you sleep"" - surely and safely. That is why more and more smart hostesses make it a habit always to serve food topped with crystal-clear salt. Remember, food tastes better, looks better, and is more refreshing when served with sparkling, crystal-clear salt. Asbestos. Things made from asbestos rock never fail. Rain, sun, and fire will not degrade them. Everlasting and fireproof. To farmers and laboring men it is indispensable in warding off the effects of cold and prostration during the winter months. What more could you want? Be sure to ask your asbestos delivery man about our crushed and cubed asbestos service, right to your front door. Curtain. The curtain has so many uses in the home. We like to pride ourselves on our shower curtain for the modern bathroom. It's fast, too -- the whole business takes less than a minute. See it demonstrated at your local Woolworth Store! No wonder, therefore, that Aperture Science Innovators is growing so rapidly in favor. Aperture Science Innovators is in truth carrying American industry far along the road of progress. We're glad to open the portal wide enough for you to come with us into this brave, new world. 1940s Aperture Science logo on a silver babydoll (fitted) t-shirt. Note that this shirt is softer than our normal shirts."
Portal 2 Cave Johnson Talking Portrait
"The most fascinating man the world has ever known can now hang proudly on your wall... and share his innermost thoughts. The Cave Johnson Talking Portrait is the perfect addition to any scientific facility, office, or bedroom. Really, where wouldn't you hang this handsome portrait? Of course, no portrait of Cave Johnson would be complete without some scientific enhancement, and we've spared no test subjects in developing a miraculous advancement in the field of decor. That's right, the Cave Johnson Talking Portrait actually talks! Cave Johnson was a brilliant man with a thrilling vision of the future. The included phrases in his portrait are among the most memorable quotes of all time, ever said by any man, woman, child, or personality construct. The Cave Johnson Talking Portrait is an officially licensed Portal 2 collectible. Product Specifications Printed on canvas Pine frame Portrait of Aperture Science's founder & luminary, Cave Johnson It talks! Includes famous phrases from the most fascinating man ever 13 phrases, including the entire ""life gives you lemons"" rant (Yes, you can switch it off if you'd like to ponder his wisdom in silence.) Officially licensed Portal 2 Collectible Dimensions: 15 1/2"" x 11 1/2"" Requires 3 AAA batteries (not included) To read the wisdom that Cave Johnson will bestow upon you please click the details tab above."
T-Rex Portal T-Shirt Funny Crossover Dinosaurs Going Through Portals M
Forget Chell, T-Rex is the new and improved Portal character on this trex portal t shirt! Featuring Tyrannosaurus rex front and center with the iconic blue and red portals, this funny T Rex shirt is a must for any classic video game fan. This shirt is a guaranteed winner out of the box with bright ink on a soft heather gray tee.
Portal 2 Aperture Laboratories Messenger Bag
Among the thousands of scientific masterpieces created by acclaimed Aperture Labs, the Portal Aperture Lab Messenger Bag is not one of them. These bags were actually created to be part of a gift basket sent to the widows and widowers of those that died during tests. We sent some of our red shirt monkeys into the 1940s to work as test subjects for Aperture Science just so we could collect up these bags to give you...
Portal 2 Blind Box Turrets
Introducing the consumer version of Aperture Science's most popular military-grade product, the Aperture Science Home Safety Turret. Please ensure your turret is pointed away from friends and loved ones until it has been calibrated. To calibrate, clearly state the names of any and all friends and loved ones you would not like your turret to engage in crisis resolution. (Remember to state your own name first.) Once you Exclusion List has been processed, your turret will be ready to engage in real-time non-verbal conflict intervention with all organic matter within its optic range. Note: Due to jostling during shipping, your turret may arrive already in Crisis Resolution Mode. Do not attempt to reason with your turret. Seek cover behind a durable, resolution-resistant surface and wait until the turret's internal battery is drained (approx. 659 years, 11 months, 5 days). Product Specifications WARNING: Choking Hazard. Small Parts. Not for children under 3. Collect all 41 miniature sentry turrets Create your own turret army on your desk Nobody will get near your baby when turrets are in the home! Dimensions: 3" tall Series 1 contains 10 different patterns, each comes in both open and closed position Sentry (Classic) Bullseye Zebra Camo Sunburst Leopard Camo Table (Wood Grain) Forest Camo Sky Camo Desert Camo Hot Rod Series 2 contains 13 different patterns, each comes in both open and closed position (First 3 listed come only in open position) Error (Colored checkerboard) Irradiated Invisible Evening at the Improv (brick) Bee Rainbow Lemon Sentry (Original) Desert Sunset (Purple/Yellow gradient) Picnic (Blue Plaid) Globe Tiger Green Plaid (not pictured) Blind Box FAQ You say these are "Blind Boxed." What does that mean? It means you can't choose which one of the assortment you receive. If you buy one or more units of this product you will get a random selection of the figures shown. What if I buy four? Will I get four different models? Maybe. Maybe not. It is unlikely, but all four may be the same. They are random. I want a specific one now! Why can't you dig around in a box somewhere, find the one I want and mail it to me? Two reasons: 1. Our Robotic Warehouse Monkeys don't have the ability to discern the difference between various mini figures. They use their mechanical claw hands to reach into a box and pull some items for your order. You get what you get. 2. The packaging on these toys makes it impossible from the outside to tell what figure they contain. We would have to open the sealed package and hunt for specific mini figures. This is not really feasible. Or a good idea. Plus, it lets us give you an awesome surprise, which we like doing.
Portal 2 Lemon Grenade Mug
"""When life gives you lemons, don't make lemonade. Make life take the lemons back! Get mad! I don't want your damn lemons, what the hell am I supposed to do with these? Demand to see life's manager! Make life rue the day it thought it could give Cave Johnson lemons! Do you know who I am? I'm the man who's gonna burn your house down! With the lemons! I'm gonna get my engineers to invent a combustible lemon that burns your house down!"" - Cave Johnson Oh, lab boys. In the attempt to make a combustible lemon, they made a vessel in which one could drink lemonade. The irony, it hurts us, Precious. This lemon grenade mug features the Aperture Science Combustible Lemons logo and will hold 12 ounces of your favorite beverage. It even comes in a genuine Aperture Science Combustible Lemon crate, for safety. Well, as much safety as is in the budget, which isn't much. Product Specifications Combustible lemon mug, as mentioned in Portal 2 Invented by Cave Johnson, brought to life by the lab boys Features the Aperture Science Combustible Lemons logo Lemon does not actually explode (we'll have the lab boys fix that in the next batch) Officially licensed Portal 2 collectible Ceramic, holds 12 ounces of lemonade"
Portal 2 Test Candidate Hoodie
Officially-licensed Portal gear! We've provided one end of this portal. The other end is up to you. Stuck in an endless meeting? Time to break out your handy dandy Aperture Science Handheld Portal Device and WOMPF yourself a way out. Elementary school concert? WOMPF. DMV? WOMPF. The possibilities are endless. This light grey full-zip hoodie is 100% cotton. It has two front pockets and ribbed cuffs and bottom. The zipper pull is a silver-colored 2D Companion Cube. We recommend that you turn the hoodie inside out before washing in cold water. Tumble dry low. Be forewarned: this will shrink if you wash it in warm water or dry it on hot. If you anticipate accidentally doing that, you may want to order a size up. Or if you plan on eating a lot of cake. Note: Please reference the table below to choose your size. S M L XL 2X 3X Chest 44 in. 46 in. 48 in. 50 in. 52 in. 54 in. Sleeve Length(from shoulder seam) 24 in. 24 1/2 in. 25 in. 25 1/2 in. 26 in. 26 1/2 in. Front Length(from where hood meets shoulder) 26 in. 27 in. 28 in. 29 in. 30 in. 31 in.
Portal 2 PotatOS Science Kit
Oh. Hi. So. How are you holding up? BECAUSE I'M A POTATO! Some of our fondest memories from Portal 2 were of carrying PotatOS around the testing facility. We felt so close to her; it was almost like we were friends. Except we weren't, really. But we understand. Her days used to be easy. She tested. Nobody murdered her or put her in potato or fed her to birds. It was a pretty good life until we showed up...
Portal 2 Warning Signs Coasters
Back in the day, when our "furniture" consisted of milk crates and salvaged wood, we could care less whether someone left a glass of ice water on what we called a coffee table. Coffee rings? No problem. But now, now we own some spiffy IKEA furniture. We have some heirloom hand-me-down furniture from Grandma. Maybe we even spent our tax refund on something new and shiny...
Portal Cookie Cutters
At Aperture Science, there's a good amount of joking amongst test subjects and occasionally, if you're lucky, you can joke around Cave Johnson himself. Just do not, under any circumstances, bring his mother into the mix. Got it? No "your mom" jokes. No "Yo Mama" jokes. Not even a "That's what she said." Cave's very sensitive about those. The penalty for joking about Cave's mom? No cookies. That's right, you'll find your Aperture Science Holiday Gift Package is missing the sandwich baggie of Mrs. Johnson's Made From Scratch Science Cookies. Then you'll have to watch everyone else enjoying delicious frosted sugar cookies in the shapes of familiar faces around Aperture Labs. Product Specifications Set of 8 cookie cutters based on Valve's games, Portal & Portal 2 Made of bent metal, dishwasher safe, and packaged in an awesome Companion Cube tin Shapes: Portal, Turret, Running Test Subject, Falling Test Subject, Companion Cube You may be thinking, "ThinkGeek, that's only 5 shapes!" You are so good at counting! The Companion Cube is a layered cookie, which requires 4 cutters to create (but still only one mouth to eat). Officially licensed Portal collectible
Portal Turret LED Flashlight w/ Sound
Cave Johnson here. Introducing the consumer version of our most popular military-grade product: the turret. We box 'em up and ship 'em straight to your doorstep. So you can protect the things that matter most. Just try and get close to that baby. Ha! Your funeral. We're done here." - Aperture Investment Opportunity #3: Turrets If there's one thing about turrets, it's that they're uncannily good at seeing things that are in front of them. And then riddling those things with holes..
Portal 2 Plush Turret w/ Sound by ThinkGeek
"Welcome to the Science Enrichment Center! Step right in and meet your new friend..." The Plush Portal Turret is the perfect companion to your Companion Cube. Just imagine how much fun you'll have setting up your own testing scenarios with teddy bears or plush microbes. This is a scientific facility after all. We all know that science can be a rough business. So when you're feeling down, you can give this little friend a hug and know that it doesn't hate you and never will... Brought to you by ThinkGeek.
Customizable Aperture Science Handheld Portal Device
Please note: This item is oversized and is excluded from free shipping promotions. NECA noticed that everybody loved their Handheld Portal Devices and decided to pull out the molds for one more amazing rendition of everyone's favorite bit of Science in action. This time, you don't even need to commit to being Chell, or Atlas, or P-Body. You can be... YOU. Maybe your portal gun has Atlas stripes but fires in P-Body colors. Maybe it has no stripes and fires in Atlas colors...
There are a lot of manuals for employees of Aperture Laboratories. But you don't necessarily have to read them. Being honest here. We used to hire smarter folks, but our death turnover rate is so high that we've had to lower our standards to the less-than-literate. But here's your Employee Manual and the various books on radiation poisoning that the government requires us to give all new hires. But really, don't bother reading them. It's not necessary to do your job...
Portal 2 Wheatley LED Flashlight by ThinkGeek
"He's not just a regular moron. He's the product of the greatest minds of a generation working together with the express purpose of building the dumbest moron who ever lived." ~ GLaDOS Well that's hardly fair, is it? Okay perhaps it is. Frankenturrets anyone? While Wheatley might not have been the brightest personality core in the bunch, this collectible flashlight sure is. This mighty mini is finely detailed, with movable handles... Brought to you by ThinkGeek.